A few months after Robert’s death I collapsed to the floor when I suddenly realised I could not picture him in my head. It was not the first time I had collapsed because of my grief, but this time it felt extra challenging. No matter how hard I tried I simply could not see him. For a few hours I was in despair. How could I continue with life if I couldn’t picture him. Then it occurred to me to think of someone who is still very much alive and whom I also love loads. So I thought of my mother, and I couldn’t see her either. How bizarre I thought, and just presumed it was yet another side effect of grief. That helped me, and I hoped that as I learnt to live with grief that the ability to see them both would return along with my ability to read, to use my camera and to socialise at events. Some of those abilities and skills have fully or partially returned but not all of them.

Visualisation is one that has not returned and actually it never will. But that’s okay because there is a ‘medical’ reason.

It was a year or so after I collapsed that I happened to be scrolling Instagram reels and the Sugarcoated Sisters appeared. In this particular reel they were with their dad and they were, in their usual brilliant musical way, sharing a health message. This time it was about a condition he had only recently discovered he had, despite having had it from birth. And as I watched and listened I realised I had it too!

It was such a shock to me to realise this is a thing. That my inability to visualise in my mind Robert or anyone else, to see an animal, a chair or even the room I am sitting in as I type this, is a condition called aphantasia. Around 3.9% of the global population cannot mentally visualise things, although our inability does vary. Some can see blurred items, others an outline and some a vague image but many of us cannot visualise anything at all.

It generally doesn’t affect our day to day living. I don’t have face blindness, I can imagine, and images in my dreams are vague. My memory is good, in fact I am brilliant at the tray game. However there are occasions when it is really hard such as when you want to see in your mind a loved one who has died or is living a long way away. It also explains why I have experienced mild anxiety in a pilates class when I have been asked to visualize something!

So what about you? If you close your eyes and think of the red apple in my header, can you see it or perhaps a variation of it? What about if you think of your favourite animal and/or a loved one, can you see them in your mind? If you can’t or are uncertain about what you can do take the test to find out more.

And if any of you are wondering what this condition feels like. Well it is my normal so it feels normal. I simply ‘visualise’ in other ways and remember with my memory and other senses. I also have photographs of Robert everywhere even in my temporary home. That it is how I remember visually.

79 thoughts

  1. Dear Becky B. you shared very interesting post with us. I haven’t known or interested before on this subject. But now, it is clear for me too. Everything in my head is visually , even the smells, the colors, but the words are not that clear. Sometimes it could be so tired to see everything especially when I want to sleep. But on the other hand to remember my mom and my dad in all details are so beautiful. But in any case, photograph is great. Maybe because of this I love photography. Another eyes of head for us. To remind and to remember. Thank you dear Becky B. Love, nia

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  3. Now you’ve mentioned it, Becky, I can’t visualize actual faces very clearly, if at all – eyes closed or open. But I can visualize a remembered photo of someone fairly clearly and also conjure places, cinematic-style. This is rather weird.

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    1. Ooh so you’re on the scale too. We’re extra special I say 😉 and it’s great you can see some photos. I can with a couple but it takes a lot of effort and isn’t exactly what I’d call an image.

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  4. I’ve heard of this. I can visualize apples of many types and in many spots if I close my eyes. Or all of it dogs at various spots or my kids. I do love that photos help keep th memories more vivid.

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    1. It’s wonderful you can do that, although it is also for me weird that the majority of people can. Had no idea everyone can actually see things!

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  5. Crickey, I can’t do it with my eyes closed though more so with my eyes opened. Interesting topic, Becky and one I will ponder on more when I finish my Bridge (cards) homework, which is giving me nightmares, and much mental visualisation for the wrong reasons. The mind is a strange organ to fully understand.

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  6. I do have face blindness and can usually recognize actors by their voice rather than faces. Many people look alike to me, even very familiar people YET I can visualize, which is probably why I can draw. I cannot visualize in 3D, however. Not at all. I lost a job because I simply could not see a drawing and mentally expand it to 3D. My son can do it and doesn’t even think about it. He also has a sense of direction (I don’t) — which seems to be related to face blindness.

    I can visualize non human images much easier than people since so many people look the same to me. I can visual their clothing or parts of their face — like a beard or their eye color — but not the whole face unless they are very close to me.

    I suppose we all have different abilities. I only recently realized that face blindness is a “thing.” I just thought I had some weird inability to remember faces — and since I also don’t remember names, I’m a total loser at party. I simply don’t know who they are.

    Some very famous people had the same problem, both in visualizing AND in recognition. You are a photographer, so maybe you can memorize individual pictures? As opposed to seeing the person in your mind, see the photograph instead?

    I hope you manage to find all your bits and pieces that have wandered and remake your mental world. Be well. Most of the pieces are probably still there, just disjointed.

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    1. Oh that’s so tough to have face blindness. You’re brilliant finding ways round it.

      I struggle to recall pictures in my mind too. There are a couple I kinda see in my head but it’s not really what I can call a picture.

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      1. I’m not surprised to hear I was in your spam. It’s happening all the time, but just on a few blogs, not all. Hopefully once you’ve rescued me it will stop, but I think the most recent two comments I made on your Square posts didn’t appear. It’s so frustrating.

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      2. oh no, that’s not good it is happening lots to you. The WP gremlins do seem to like causing mischief sometimes. Hopefully, as you say, now they’ve got the message it will stop

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  8. Extraordinary how much we don’t know, Becky! I saw this this morning but didn’t have time for a proper read. Like most things there are degrees of this and I find I’m somewhere in the middle. I can see things in my mind’s eye but often not clearly. I always had trouble with counting sheep to go to sleep because after the first one or two I struggled to see them and got cross. Glad it doesn’t really impact your life and that you have lots of photos. A camera is an essential in your case, isn’t it? 

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    1. So glad there’s a fellow problem sheep counter 🐑🐏 and you’re so right about camera. I’m hopeful this year might be the year I can begin to use it again

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  9. Thanks. This helps me understanding my self and those around me a lot better. I’m highly visual my husband and daughter don’t seem to speak the same language as me.

    So glad you found this out for yourself.
    all my best

    Carol

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  10. This explains a lot. I’m very visual, am an artist, and taught art and never could understand when people get so frustrated with art and drawing. I’ve learned to be patient with myself about being a visual learner but now I can be kinder to those who are not. My husband creates his world through words which drives me crazy.
    Carol Carlisle (lately WP doesn’t share my name.)

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    1. I used to get huge anxiety in my school art classes, and could never understand why as I loved the creating but now of course I realise it was the inability to picture what I was trying to do whilst classmates seemed to get it immediately. So nowI understand I’ll be more patient with myself in future too!!

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  11. I am fascinated by this and how you discovered this. I think my visual spatial memory is strong as I remember routes and places and wonder why others do not realise we passed this place before. Bit I do not think I am strongly visual for people in my minds eye. I rely or remember through a photograph. Was really strange watching a video I made many years ago of my children when tiny with their grandparents, all gone now.

    I hope all continues to improve for you and I came across your Portugal blog when searching for some bird identification on google! And of course this was your husband’s expertise. We met someone called Bill and pondered on dunlins or knots in the salinas near Cabañas. He then took us to see a stone curlew he had seen in an orange grove!
    Thanks for the fascinating post.

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  12. I see everything in my head visually. What I have a hard time seeing is words. That makes reading extremely difficult for me. Chris is much more like you, she is all about words and she actually sees words in her mind (head) when she thinks of things. 

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    2. Ooh how extraordinary she can see words, I can’t see them in my head but can read them easily. And you’re even more amazing to do all this blogging when you struggle with seeing words.

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  13. That’s so interesting. I thought at first that you were leading up to saying that you realised you have a form of face blindness. A friend of ours had that – she couldn’t even recognise her own daughter until she spoke or moved in a particular way. But clearly aphantasia is something different. I can absolutely see how you might not even realise you had it if it had always been your normal, until the day comes when you really want to visualise and discover you cannot. I’m so glad you have all those photos of Robert 🤗 And by the way, it’s lovely to hear from you and know you are coping still, in the best ways that you can.

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      1. As I mentioned to Suzanne, she faced far worse challenges in her life but yes, this caused her problems. Apart from anything else, she found it very hard to follow a film or TV drama as she couldn’t easily distinguish between the different characters.

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      1. No, he did not know. Recently, he read an article about it and that’s when he realized. He does like fiction, even though he can’t visualize the action. How about you?

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  15. Not heard of it but I don’t have it. I can visualise my girls at nearly all stages of their lives. I think I have purposely blocked out the pooey nappy stage 😂
    A lovely photo of Robert but I would have thought photos without those bloody books 😂 although that is who he is anyway

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  16. wow Becky, I really understand this only because “I” thought everyone saw pictures in their head/visualised things until i mentioned it to a staff member who looked at me blankly as said “what do you mean.”…..
    teacher me had no idea of this as as a condition and from then on I made the choice not to “think” everyone had the same way I did of trying things out, recalling people etc.
    I am pleased you now “know”.
    Thank you too for sharing your grief journey after Robert died so suddenly. It’s an important connection for you and those of us who need to understand if we are yet to experience this.
    take care,
    Denyse

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    1. It’s crazy isn’t it that this is not part of an information pack for teachers and others involved in education. It would help you all as much as those of us with it.

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    1. that’s the weird thing because you have it from birth you don’t know any different! You are right though about the personal photos, and I have so many of Robert too 🙂

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      1. Ah! A lesson learnt then. I have almost none of Malcolm, nor he of me. He hates having his photo taken , and we both say ‘Well, we know what each other looks like’.

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      2. Hee hee, do take some and also record voices. I’ve got multiple voicemail from when I went RTW travelling and Robert rang me. Just everyday chats, and they’re now so lovely to have

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  19. There are so many ways of being neurodivergent that you don’t know what you haven’t got till you find out, if that makes sense! The diagnosis must have been a relief to you, to know there was a medical reason for what you were experiencing, but also yet another burden to bear at a traumatic time. I hadn’t heard of aphantasia before, though I didn’t have to experiment to know I don’t have it. I can picture (say) my mum and dad at every stage in their lives with me, from my earliest days to their ends. I shall now appreciate that ability much more and not take it for granted. My other comment was going to be thank goodness for the digital age with its multiple photographs, but I see you got there before me!

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    1. It does make sense, and it is exactly that. I am just amazed that nearly everyone else can see things in their minds. You are also spot on about the multiple photos. I have so many of him in recent years thank goodness, and a few from pre digital which also helps.

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    1. Yes grief collapses are not nice, the first one it actually felt like my heart was breaking. The upside though of them is that now looking back I know they are simply a sign of my love for Robert, and that now feels good xx

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    1. oh I am so glad this will help her. Once you know about it there is lots of research out there and also networks. There is definitely nothing wrong, she is just another very special person like me!

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