So guess it is not surprising I will often tell people life is still ****. Every day there will be a moment or multiple moments when I feel the loss. It can be simple things such as wanting to discuss the news, or on a day out with a friend wanting to message him or send him a photo of something I have seen, or asking him in the evening what we shall have for dinner. Memories are bittersweet, as life is empty without Robert.

Fortunately though my grief is not as raw as it was, nor does the weight of it affect me as frequently physically. Increasingly I have the ability to focus and the energy to do more than one thing in a day. For example over the weekend I gardened, I walked miles in sunshine, I made jam, I made soup, I sent emails, I saw people and even chatted on the telephone. It was, dare I say it, a ‘good’ weekend.

I remain cautious though as my resilience and sense of peace can disappear in an instant. One moment I am enjoying the beauty of nature or even laughing with friends, and the next all I feel is anguish. A few weeks ago I really wasn’t sure how I was going to be able to live with grief. I was stuck in an evil combination of events – recovering from my trip away during Robert’s birthday week, experiencing the bizarreness of national mourning in the UK and living in self isolation thanks to catching Covid. Fortunately the infection itself wasn’t too bad, but mentally that combination was horrendous. It has taken me a long time to recover from it and of course just as I recover mentally I am into the next round of bereavement challenges. Our wedding anniversary in the same month as the six month anniversary. Grief is never ending, and is certainly not helped by the hideous world news and terrifying economic and energy situation. So my focus right now remains on being kind to myself.

That means for me – a goal of walking for an hour every day, an aspiration to bring back squares in November, an expectation of only completing one chore a day, a commitment to seeing friends or family every week, an acknowledgement that tears will regularly fall, a continuation of eating well and a rule of keeping to my sleep routine.

Being kind to myself is also one of the reasons I generally only meet up with family and friends with whom I feel safe. Safe friends and family are those who truly get grief or have the wisdom to be guided by me about what support works for me. Most of them also realise I want to hear Robert’s name, and I want to share memories. I am fortunate to have many such people in my life. I do though wish there were more some days.

It is noticeable how other friends and acquaintances, even those I once considered best friends have disappeared out of my life. Many seem to expect me to get in touch with them because they offered some vague support back in April, and most have not made contact since the memorial. It is almost as though memorials and funerals are the turning point when the world expects you to return to your old self, with the exception of significant dates. Yet I can never return to being that person, and intense grief doesn’t fade away with time. You cannot heal the loss as grief cannot be fixed. You simply learn how to live with it.

It takes a huge amount of resilience and energy to live well with grief, which is why I don’t have the energy to juggle what I once juggled in a day nor am I able to respond to vague offers or well intentioned but problematic messages telling me what to do or worse what I am feeling. What I actually need, as so many others do who have experienced intense grief, concrete offers of help and also proposed dates in advance for meet ups. Or as I have said in earlier posts simple and regular messages saying someone is thinking of me. Those messages help.

So on that note I thought I’d finish by mentioning that if you know of someone else who has experienced intense grief in the past two years let them know today you are thinking of them and mention their loved one’s name. If you can this week also check out the new campaign #GriefKind by the British charity Sue Ryder for more advice on how to support the bereaved.

To finish I just want to say a huge thank you to the many of you who have been in contact over the past couple of months. Your kind words have really helped, and thanks to your support I am hoping to have a squares month in November. More details will follow as and when I am confident I am definitely up for it.

61 thoughts

  1. You are very brave, Becky and it is the small things in life that can be missed the most. Someone is a similar situation said to me, “I can eat cornflakes at 2 am as there is no one to tell me how weird that is”. Pleased for you that you had a good weekend and the sculpture you captured is stunning as are the gardens.

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  2. Becky, it’s wonderful to see a post from you even if it’s one that was difficult for you to write. I haven’t lost my husband but both my parents passed away in the first half of this year. Losing parents who’ve lived a full life and are in their 90’s can’t compare with your loss but just saying it’s been a year! I’m glad you have friends who are true friends. It’s at times like this you find out who your real friends are. Although I’m excited to see that you’re looking at a November squares challenge, I’m much more happy to hear from you. ❤

    janet

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  3. Hello Becky, I’m happy to read from you again. It’s good to know that you are going on. The only thing I can offer is the old adage: “one step at a time” or “one day at the time”. Sending lots of hugs.

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  4. Hello, darlin! Glad you’ve made it here again. I almost missed this because I have friends I met back in Polish class in the UK staying in Tavira at present. We took them to Olhao last week and the burgeoning new marina opposite your apartments. We went to Vai e Volta for the first time since going there with you and Robert. It never feels right without you somehow. It didn’t before Robert died, and it certainly doesn’t now, but they wanted an authentic all you can eat fish experience. Why am I telling you this? I don’t know, but I do think that it’s hard for people to know what to say when someone is devastated by loss. Unless they’ve been there, they can’t know how it feels. But I do think that writing can be cathartic. I like the sound of your grief counsellor. I fulfilled that role once and was overwhelmed by the grief that people can experience. Hang in there, Becky. You have a lot of life ahead of you, and I’m sure that you and Robert would have discussed the ‘what might be’s’ because of your age difference. He couldn’t know how hard you would be hit and you never really saw it coming. Why would you? But I hope that you will find a way back to a fulfilling life. Not the life you had. It can never be that. But your life, and that’s a precious thing. Always with affection for you and your lovely Mum.

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  5. So happy to see you back here! It means that you are coping or at least trying to in your own pace.
    And when you are up to it will gladly join again your squares challenge.

    Sending hugs and love

    Take care Becky 😍

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  6. I’m very sorry for all you’re going through – and I thank you for sharing your journey with us. I know that can’t be easy. Sending love and hugs -and I hope you continue to improve with the Covid as well. I got it recently and it wasn’t fun. I know from reading this it was doubly hard for you on top of all your other challenges. So I wish you continued healing on all fronts ❤

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  7. I often think about you when I prepare an image and crop it into a square format, Becky. I learned that from you and your Squares challenges. 6 months sure passed quickly, although I doubt it did for you. You write very realistically about the grieving process and it really doesn’t go away. I’m sorry you got covid but glad it was relatively mild. 2022 has been a wild year with ups and downs for many. October 4th is the birthdate of my two mothers-in-law. My former MIL is at the end stages of cancer in California and they celebrated her birthday this weekend. I will be calling her shortly to wish her a happy birthday. My hubby’s mom passed last year. Thank you for sharing your heart and your feelings over the last few months. I pray for your peace. I do look forward to November squares if you are ready to launch. I think you will find immense comfort amongst your blogger community. Take good care.

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  8. What a great emotional and real post from you. I wish I had a magic wand, but you know that wouldn’t help even if I had one for you. I loved reading all the replies you got so far today, especially the one from your mum.

    I’m going to stay on the positive side today. I would be so thrilled if you have the energy to run your square challenge. I’m not taking that many new photos, and would love to play along with your squares. I always have so much fun playing with you.

    Your pictures were so fun to see today. I’m sure Robert would love to have seen them. I’m planting tulips this winter (I’ve already ordered them) and I will definitely keep him and you in loving thoughts when I plant them. 😀 😀 Nice t hear from you on your blog.

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    1. Awww Cee thank you so so much for all your love and support. Thrilled you are planning to plant tulips too. He’ll be everywhere next spring. Loads of love ❤️

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  10. Before seeing “The life of B” and all the courage and strength it must have taken you to do it I had earlier planted my tulips in memory of dear  Robert and all the time so many  memories of him were  with me and wondering if he would have liked the colour. I am sure the bulbs you bought were tulips. Your grief is never ending  but in some of your words, sadly you  have to learn to live with it, hard as it is and often impossible to cope with. Have never forgotten what Janice said to me soon after your Dad died and which I have said to you before.  That one would find after a few weeks friends would disappear from ones life and presume you have returned to ones old self.  For you the shock and grief in Robert’s sudden death, is hard to imagine.  My love and hugs especially today and in the days to come.

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    1. Oh Mum this is beautiful. So glad you’ve planted tulips too, and your wise words about friends and what Janice said are with me often. They help, thank you ❤️ . Sending you lots of love too xx

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  11. Hi Becky, thank you for sharing your journey. I know I’m just an acquaintance as I love your blog and have joined in on your square challenges. They have been missed but more importantly is your well being so reading you may bring them back in November is great news. But totally understand if you aren’t ready and need to pick a different date. ❤️❤️❤️

    I lost both my parents 10 days apart it will be 20 years this coming January. I was 42 when they passed with 3 young children, full time job etc… I don’t know how I handled all the grief and had to keep things going the best I could. I guess I’m thinking about them as I read your posts because I’ve had so many years without them now, I feel like I’ve forgotten them a bit too. I don’t know what I’m saying here as I know grief is different for everyone. I know mother’s day and father’s day were hard, their birthdays etc… and somehow life goes on. There’s so many things that muddle things but I do know that you are a wonderful, cheerful and encouraging person who has helped me through your blog to try new things with your wonderful square challenges! Sending virtual hugs and thank you for being here in this blogosphere! 💞💞💞

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    1. Oh Diana this is lovely. Thank you, and sending you huge hugs too as grief is always there, and so glad my posts have helped a little bit ❤️

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  12. Firstly, it is good to hear from you and to know you are managing as well as you are. I can absolutely see how it can be those little things that often hurt the most – wanting to share a joke or a titbit of news. Your approach to working out what it means for you to be kind to yourself sounds just right – it gives you some structure and a plan which can only be good. I’m glad too that you have friends around you who know how to provide support and company when you need it, but it’s such a shame that others have melted away. Maybe they think they are being kind by giving you space and that you’ll reach out when you’re ready, but it really wouldn’t hurt if they were to check in with you from time to time to see how you are and if they can help.

    As to Squares, like many of us I’d love to see them back but only when you feel the time is right.

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  14. “It is noticeable how other friends and acquaintances, even those I once considered best friends have disappeared out of my life. “ My husband passed away three weeks ago and that’s been a reality for me. People who would get in contact constantly have vanished, and if I hear from them, it’s about something silly and they never ask how I’m doing. Grieving has not been easy among my new age, happy go lucky, happiness is a choice kind of friends who go back to their husbands, wives, in the end of the day. One day maybe they walk on my shoes.

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    1. Oh my, sending you huge hugs. The early days are so difficult, and I’m so sorry that already so many have disappeared. That’s tough.

      I have an amazing bereavement counsellor who is helping me too, and hope you can find the support too. Feel free to drop me a line anytime via my contact page xx

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  17. I am amazed at the desertion of friends. It really rankles me especially as I want to be there to try to help as best I can but being a gazillion kms away just writing seems not enough. 🤗
    Don’t put too much pressure on yourself trying to get November Squares up and running but I would be quite content if you did. I need a distraction as well and launching into squares would be just the thing as long as the subject isn’t too hard to link a song or two.
    Adding a song would probably make me think of Robert and his awakening when the volume was too high 😂 and your scrabbling to turn it down.
    Keep on track, you are doing well. Much love and hugs 🤗🤗💕

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    1. Hee hee you’ve made me smile reminding me of the music volume moments!!

      The friends thing has been such an eye opener for me and so tough. Apparently though it’s very common. As you say frustrating!

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  18. I understand and feel your grief. “You cannot heal the loss as grief cannot be fixed. You simply learn how to live with it.” is so very true. It’s been seven years since losing my mom. I will never be the same person as before. Most often the waves are small and I am aware of their presence. Occasionally, without any notice, the waves of grief will knock me down and I must just sit breath as they crash over me.

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  19. You write so beautifully about your grief and daily experience of it. My sincere condolences for your loss.

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  20. Oh Becky, my heart wants to reach out and go on a virtual walk with you. It’s how my friend who lost her soulmate to covid in 2020 walked out almost every day with one friend but many luckily for her lived close by. Your post really shares how difficult it is even when we have strength and yes stuff that knocks us back like covid isolation and the Queen’s death and national mourning was a reminder of so many lost to us too. My friend is in Rhodes now where she has a place and with for a short time her late husband’s sister. It was difficult for her to go back with so many memories but she has managed that now at least once a year. There are friends there too who can share grief and memories. I think the physical response does get better as shock wears off and hopefully that makes living with your loss a little less overwhelming and am glad covid was mild for you. Thank you for the Grief Kind link and I will message her today and my friend’s daughter who lost her mother this year. At present my husband Trevor is in Spain and I am in the UK. It’s the first time apart in a long time and is strange but we can talk. Sending love thoughts and hugs.

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    1. Thank you so so much, and feeling for your friend. My challenging week with Covid really brought home how hideous must have been for everyone who lost someone during 2020. Sounds like she is doing amazingly well. Sending you hugs back, and also do pass on my thoughts to her. And thank you again so much for your very kind and understanding words, I wish I could walk with you too xx

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