Time is weird when you are grieving. Some days it only feels like last week that Robert died, other days it feels like forever. It has in fact been nine weeks since I came home to find him dead. Some routine has returned to my life I eat three meals a day, I cook, I shop and I pay bills. I can meet up with one or two friends at a time for a walk, a tea or just a chat. I am aware of what is happening in the news, and appreciate it when friends and family share with me what is going on in their lives.

Part of me though is never fully engaged in what is happening around me. I lose interest quickly, and at times feel at a complete loss at what to do with myself. The death paperwork can bring focus at times, but other days is impossible to grasp let alone do. On those days I sometimes find a practical task in the house or garden can help enormously, other times I want to do nothing and just sit gazing into space or watching another re-run of the West Wing! Whilst I am struggling to find the balance I am learning to go with the flow and to accept that those days of doing very little are just as important as the days when I can do lots. There is no right or wrong, this is my grief journey and every journey is unique.

At the weekend I had to escape the house because a street party was taking place right outside. I travelled to see Robert’s youngest, and being with her in her fabulous house was so wonderful. We had some lovely walks and I got to meet her chickens!

Leaving the house though was hard. When we went away Robert and I had a routine about securing it, and just doing those simple things was a huge effort. Even thinking about them now brings tears. I also had to make sure that the house wouldn’t feel or look exactly the same as it did on that Tuesday nine weeks ago today. I had so many conversations in my head with myself and with Robert before I left. It was hard. Once I hit the road and listening to an audio book though I was okay. Audio books are proving to be a life saver. They distract thoughts at night and allow me to just sit in the day.

Coming back a wave of exhaustion almost overwhelmed me on the drive home. My body reacting to the adrenaline and anxiety of going away. I made it home safely, and reentering the house was weird but fortunately not distressing. It felt right to be home, but the rest of the day I was shattered and the following day a mixture of wobbles and feeling in limbo. By the evening though some semblance of my strange new normality had returned, and this morning I find myself wanting to write, wanting to sort a few things and may even make dates to see a few more people over the coming days and weeks. I might even get out for a walk this afternoon; it looks like it might be an okay day possibly as sunny as it was when I took the shot below when walking with Mum on Stockbridge Down.

9 thoughts

  1. You describe a fallow time when you’re half-floating outside the world, floating out of time, trying to ground yourself. It must feel very scary. I’m glad you have resources to help you, but as I said before, I am so, so sorry you’re having to go through this. I had wondered how you would manage during the Jubilee weekend and glad you were spending time with Robert’s youngest. (Reading your posts has given me an extra intuition into how the Queen must be feeling.) Sending hugs x

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  2. I can totally understand your hesitation to leave home and the anxiety of returning. You kept yourself well protected. That’s important. Binging on Westwing is a good thing. Chris and I have watched that show so many times we know it by heart. It’s fast paced and keeps your mind occupied.
    Sounds like your counsellor is working well for you. It’s nice to have someone with good knowledge and who is not directly involved with your family too. The audio books are good, it occupies your brain a little bit more. Another trick you can try if read your book out loud. You are using more senses. Touch, hearing, sound. That could be really grounding for you. Books are made out of trees which is all part of nature.
    Tie another know of that rope on the days you wobble. I’m so glad you home is becoming a safe place for you. Lots of hugs and energy flowing your way.

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  3. You have so many wonderful friends near and far  –  true dear friends.  Lots of hugs for you from so many and a big hug from me  XX X

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  4. Brian’s looks like good advice. I can’t add any of my own. But I know Ellie found it helpful – still does sometimes – to go to Phil’s graveside and have a chat. But perhaps that route isn’t open to you. Looks as if we can all agree on reading in bed to dodge night-time stress a bit! xx

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    1. Robert is currently in the house! I was chatting to him though before he even came home. Ellie is right it does help xxx

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  5. I like the everyday mundane. It does make all things seem a bit OK. I am glad you are able to get out a little and have a walk and a chat with folk. I hope you have all the curtains open and are flooding the house with sunshine (if any) and light keeping the darkness at bay.
    I can sense your anxiety of leaving the house and having to re-enter the house which would for me be a flood of memories. Get into the garden and get a special plant to put in the garden for Robert. Perhaps near Septimius and a chair so you can chat to both of them when you need to.
    I am sorry I haven’t written as I am not much up to writing much as you can guess. I do need to tell you a few things just to get them out of my head.
    I have the radio on at night so I don’t think too much before sleeping. I have also taken to reading in bed. I have a lot of books I have bought – no not as much as Robert lol – and have been going through those. At the moment I am reading The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. This has been a mistake as I find myself reading lots of pages although I haven’t found myself asleep with the book on my chest yet 😂😂
    Sorry about the blah blah. I got carried away
    Always here when needed my dear Becky 🤗❤❤

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    1. Yay for reading in bed, great medicine. And hope you don’t have 15000 books!!!

      Why don’t we book a chat next week or week after xx

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      1. I would like that. Any time or day would be fine. Only have a few appointments and the such but they are in the late mornings on week days xx

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