There are daily wobbles in my new life, but last Thursday was a particularly tough day for some reason, not sure what triggered the emotions but flow they did. It was hard but also cathartic. And I learnt that by listening to myself and seeking advice from others (online, in books and in person) I can breathe through these hard days.

One guide I am finding incredibly helpful is Megan Devine’s book ‘It’s OK that you’re not OK’, and I would recommend it to anyone who is supporting others in their grief or who has experienced an unexpected or deep loss themselves.

Another tip I have been given to keep a journal, at first I wasn’t sure. Then over the weekend the urge to write was strong , and so write I did and this post is just the beginning. It feels so good to write, so thank you to everyone who has suggested it to me. As you might understand I am not quite ready for the whole wide world to read every word I write, but at the same time I do find it easier to use the blog to write. So I have decided to use the option of password protect for some of my thoughts.

This way no one actually needs to read it my scribblings, they will just be sitting here for me to come back to. They will though also be available to those of you who request the password and whom I elect to share the password with! So if you see ‘Protected Post’ messages appearing over the coming weeks and months that’s the reason why.

In time I may decide to open the posts to all but for now I hope you will bear with me that there are going to be protected posts appearing here and that initially I won’t be giving access to everyone.

Thank you again to everyone for all the lovely messages and virtual hugs. It helps so much. Many of you have shared how amazing I am, and how strong, and you are all probably right! For me at least it does help when you tell me how great I am doing, so please don’t stop telling me these things. However at the same time I hope you can understand that sometimes your compliments are tough to receive. You see I don’t want to be amazing, I don’t want to be strong, I don’t want to be doing great – I just want my husband back.

46 thoughts

  1. Dear Becky, I am so sorry to hear of your loss! Sorry for the way you lost your husband, so sudden, so shocking. You are such a bright light in the blogging community and I hope that people have been rallying to support you during this time. I haven’t lost a husband, but I lost a younger sister as a teen. I remember the grief would come in waves. I’d cry my eyes out sobbing, then make the motions of my life before the loss and I’d plod on. In time, the cycle would repeat. Unpredictable, yet true to my feelings. Sending you virtual hugs, Rebecca

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  2. Beckie, I am so, so sorry to hear of your loss. I haven’t been on WordPress in months so please excuse my delay in sending you and your family my sympathies. Loss is so hard. Hold the memories close. They will be your strength.
    Marie

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    1. No need to apologise, in fact delayed thoughts and sympathy is what I need at the moment so thank you for making contact.

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  3. Hello BeckyB,
    Missing my friends Mike and Jo (aka Restless), they have been so good for me this last year or so, hopefully your friends will help you too. My son says it is too cliche but I think it never gets old – what do you get more of the more you give it away? Chose from love or friendship or maybe go for both. The purpose of this message is to tell you of another book that may be of interest. John Wilson’s “The Plain Guide to Grief”. I have not read it myself, yet, but John is a friend of Sara Mathews, Head of Counselling at Teesside Hospice, I met her when I approached them about a volunteering role. She says that he has been in the business of bereavement for many years, that this is a great starter book and it has many references.

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    1. Dear Chris
      Thank you so much for your kind words, and for the recommendation. I will try the book.
      And sending hugs and thoughts your way, your journey I suspect is still very challenging at times and am so glad that like me you have good friends around you. Thank you again

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  5. Oh, Becky. I’m playing catch-up here: I came to this post first, and than hastily worked backwards. My first thought was “oh no, not Mr B!”. But, it seems, yes, Mr B. I shall miss him popping up (as Mr B) in your posts! Please accept my most sincere condolences to you and your family.

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words and thoughts. It means so much. I still cannot really believe he has gone, keep hoping it is a nightmare. I miss him so much. Your kind words those as well as those of everyone else are helping keeping me going

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  7. I am sure everyone who calls in here to visit you virtually will want the best for you so will wholeheartedly support your choice to do whatever seems best, hour by hour.

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  8. Oh Becky I’m so sorry to read these latest posts and I feel for you. Your last sentence, ‘I just want my husband back’ is particularly moving and moved me to tears. Do whatever you have to to get through this time as only you can work out how that will be. My thoughts are winging their way to you xx

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  9. Hello again BeckyB, It is coming up to the first anniversary of my wife’s passing but I still get particularly tough days for some reason, I am not sure what triggers the emotions either but flow they do, emptying her wardrobe was bad but now sometimes a picture, a view or a glass of wine that she would have liked, maybe a comment. The one thing I want I can’t have, she has gone for good, of course the girl/woman I want back is in my mind but at the end, after a long battle with cancer she was ready to go, she would only want to be back if she was healthy and we would not want those we love to remain if they were ill or in pain, strangely perhaps that is some sort of consolation, now there are tears. It is hard but although we will never forget them it will get easier and the more positive new memories we make the better it gets. I tried to volunteer at a local hospice but found that one has to be qualified to help bereaved people in the way I envisaged, the lady I spoke to however told me that there are physiological reasons for what happens to us, the structure of our brains, the connections caused by repeated events, such as being with our partners increase and once disrupted it can take up to 2 years for the patterns to change. That does not mean that the level of pain is maintained, it eases but at the risk of repetition when the process is complete our memories are intact but we can cope better with the loss. A friend who went through this some years ago also turned to writing and getting involved in local politics and set up a bereavement group that I have been attending. She also loaned me a few pages from a document called the Grief Wheel, probably the same sort of stuff you have already read but if you would like to see it just let me know and I can send a scanned copy. Take care of yourself, stay strong.

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    1. Thinking of you at this time as you approach the first anniversary and the second year. Neither are easy.
      Take care and thank you for your kind words and support

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  10. My thoughts are with you dear Becky! I do understand loss, but no one is experiencing it the same way! So glad you are writing about your feelings. If you share it , it’s okay and if you don’t it’s also okay. Lots of hugs ❤

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